Partner?

Depressing stuff over the last 3 days. Had a meeting last Friday with my former boss and a young lawyer about 3 years my junior and who is now working in the law firm where I worked previously. Let’s call her Minerva.

I told Minerva half-jokingly (as I did on many previous occasions in 2006 as we were working together on a project – she, as external legal advisor, and I, as internal counsel) that I was still interested in “pirating” her (She’s a darn good lawyer – and a diligent one). She laughed politely. “It’s not possible anymore,” she said, suddenly looking embarrassed, “I’ve just been promoted – to JP [Junior Partner].”

I almost fell off my seat.

She then informs me she had been promoted (in February) along with 3 other senior associates – all of whom are junior to me by at least a year. I learned too that a lawyer I had worked closely with in my early firm years (and who was promoted to JP about a year after I left), a guy by the name of Joseph, is now an equity partner. I congratulated Minerva, of course, asked her to extend my best wishes to the new partners (and to Joseph), and tried to appear thrilled (I genuinely wanted to be). But I found myself oddly annoyed.

Over the weekend, having found a new reason to seriously ponder my career and where I’m going (and why I was so miffed), I realized that that could have been me – I imagined that if I had stayed in that firm (and I believe I was doing well there), I would be JP by now – or better yet, as I am more senior than these new JPs (upstarts … hmph), I would most probably have already made equity partnership, like Joseph.

But where have I gone? What do I have to show for myself after over 10 long years of practice? After years of being told I am a good lawyer, an exceptional lawyer even, a lawyer with extraordinary “commercial sense” (whatever that means), only one thing (and not the much touted, supposedly higher, pay) came to mind: A title that means absolutely nothing in the legal world – and which, in my company, signifies only slightly better employment benefits than a junior grunt: Senior Manager. Yeah … a Senior Grunt. That’s what I am.

I’ve always told myself I should never, ever measure my successes (or failures) against others’. Bad form, I always say. I did once, in fact, and the blunder left a bad taste in even my own mouth. But it’s almost impossible, and virtually unavoidable, in situations such as this.

Minerva’s career is fully mapped out. Barring unforeseen circumstances and a major slip-up, she will probably make equity partner in 2 years. And she’s only, what, 34? I, on the other hand, turn 38 this year. That means, 2 years hence, in 2010, it’ll be The Big Four-O. And I find no comfort in the promise that life begins at 40.

F*ck. Me.